Every single animated action-figure-sales-motivated television series aimed at young male fans of physical activity and plastic dolls contains a set of main characters equipped with (special) utility belts, (special) tools and (special) capabilities and maybe a few gimmicks or catch-phrases that all roughly approximate a marketable (special) personality. All of these main characters would be available for purchase at the show-watcher’s nearest retailer in their own individual (special) blister packs, anywhere from $7.99 to $12.99.
Inevitably, there are also characters featured in the television serial with less consistent (special) appearances on the weekly serial, but were still part of the same action team. They were included in the big box sets so the box could sport the spiky yellow action bubble saying FREE FIGURE INCLUDED! They came with the helicopter or the command center or the bulldozer or the fighter jet. They wouldn’t sell themselves, but they would sell a fully functional! moving parts! as-seen-on-TV! stickers included! really lights up! batteries sold separately playset.
However, there is a rare chance that the hero included as a pot-sweetener for a deluxe action tank might, maybe because of his includes glow-in-the-dark pieces or because his plot arch in the show delivered an exceptional, underappreciated character who was not understood by the mainstream market and was latched onto by the collector market. Maybe they saw that this character had potential and brought him to keep in the box so he could be re-sold when the deluxe dump-truck was no longer available in-store.
And maybe before that, when the snow machine’s sales still weren’t very good it was purchased by a parent because geez, they weren’t familiar with the show and they didn’t know which characters were significant and this playset was the only one left on the shelf. Maybe the child receiving the jet-ski at Christmas was mildly disappointed, but made do and played the hell out of that hero and the gunboat for years until he got too old and porn replaced the gunboat and girls replaced the porn and studies or drugs or kids replaced the girls.
And then maybe there was a garage sale the once-child officiated in which the character, the helicopter, and maybe half of the guns and tools and things the character came with were sold to a collector for a price that made both the collector and the once-child smile once the buyer got back to his car.
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My prayer is that the next person to walk into the yard sale will be that collector and that he actually sees that no one’s fucking taken me yet.
Written by Micah Frederick